John 10:10 “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”

Have you ever tried walking up a down escalator? That’s how I felt for 22 years, suffering with severe depression and anxiety.  I would try to step forward, but I would become tired in the daily struggles of deep sadness, anger, resentment, hopelessness, self-hatred, pains of living, and worthlessness. I found myself sitting down on the steps but they would always take me back down into a pit. For the enemy only comes to steal, to kill, and to destroy.

Let me tell you depression is real, it is strong and it is dark. I described myself as a stuffer, meaning I would repress all the pain, anger, and hurts. When things happened in my life, instead of dealing with them, I “stuffed” them. I experienced this for many years. The enemy would then use all of this against me and he never stopped feeding me lies. It was these lies that kept me bound with chains. I remember saying that I felt that I had a ball and chain attached to my ankle, just like old time prisoners used to wear. No matter how hard I tried to get rid of it, it would not leave.

During these years of depression, my mind was tormented, my soul was wounded, and my heart felt shattered. I had pain throughout my body, and I was suicidal. The medical community tried to help me by prescribing many psychotropic medications, I was hospitalized in mental wards around 18-20 times, I stayed at a women’s shelter 4 different times, they sent me to Danville State Hospital, I received ECT treatments (electroconvulsive therapy), and many hours of therapy.

BUT GOD…..

Jesus came to give us life…abundant life! These are very precious words to me today, but it took a while for me to really believe and receive them. I wanted hope, peace and life so much, but at the same time I was afraid to grab hold of it. I related it as me walking down a path with depression then coming to a bridge, but only getting part way over the bridge. I saw a glimpse of brightness from “the land of the living”, and I wanted it, but instead I turned back around to the “comfort” of depression. You see depression can be a place of comfort, because it is familiar like a cocoon. It may sound strange but it was very true in my life.

In February of 2019, I became a resident of the LTSR – Long-Term Structured Residence for 9 months. During that stay I began to be truthful about what happened in my life and the hurts I suffered(stuffed). Progress began, I was discharged and I decided to have a fresh start in a new town, Bedford, Pa.

Eight months later, July 2020, I found myself falling back into the pit of depression again. Once again I went back to the LTSR. Since my therapist knew me from the previous stay, she encouraged me to draw what I was feeling. It was then that I drew a picture of me laying in a field wanting to be swallowed up by the earth. I did not want to live anymore. It was too hard, I thought that I couldn’t do it. I was very angry with life.

One day, she had me go to a field outside of the building. I didn’t understand what she was doing. We walked out away from the building and then she asked me if this was close enough to the picture I drew. “Sure” I said, then she told to lay down. So with eyes rolling, I did as she requested. She laid down beside me. No words…just lying there in the grass. After what seemed an eternity, she asked me what I was thinking. I gave her the same answer, ”I want the earth to swallow me up”. She got up and told me to stay there. Then she said, “Sandy you need to make a choice…choose life and live or you can stay in this depression and die. When you make your decision, come in and tell me.” WHOA! She just walked away, leaving me lying in the grass.

The night before this episode, I watched a Christian music video called “Rattle” by Elevation Worship. I listened closely to the words of the song and the last few verses kept flashing in large letters DRY BONES, HEAR THE WORD OF THE LORD. LIVE, LIVE, GOD SAYS LIVE! It repeated this over and over.

So as I laid in this field, this song began to flash before me. I wrestled with it, but I did begin talking to the Lord. I said “Okay God, You’re telling me You want me to live? But I don’t know how, I haven’t lived for over 20 years. If You want me to live, You’re going to have to show me how because I don’t know if I have it in me.” After a few more minutes I said, ”Okay God, I will choose to live”. Then I got up off the ground, walked inside, and told my therapist.

This was the pivotal moment for my healing to begin. I chose life and I chose to live for God. No one else could make that choice for me, I had to make it. Also, during this stay at the LTSR, I had a new church family praying for me, as well as many others. There is power in prayer.

The healing process began but since I was under 24/7 care, I asked the psychiatrist about doing a med wash out because none of the medications seemed to be working. He agreed and under his care my meds were reduced and eventually they were taken away. During that time, I began to sense a change in my body and mind. I was beginning to have more energy, and my thinking was clearing.

I knew changes in my lifestyle had to happen. I could not keep doing the same old things or have the same old thoughts, and expect a different outcome. I had to change my negative words and thoughts to positive ones. It wasn’t easy but the more I did it the easier it became! II Corinthians 10:5 said to cast down negative the thoughts and lies, and to fill up with the Word of God. That was slow going at first too but the more I did it, the better I got! Philippians 4:8 encouraged me to think on things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely and good reports! This was a big change from the way I used to think. Praying in the Holy Spirit began to flow out of me again. Reading the Word encouraged me. When I left the LTSR in February 2020, the staff said that I was the first person to leave their program with no medications!  Only God! 

I found Hope again! Recovery is possible! I am still on this journey of recovery but God has been teaching me how to live again, and I am pressing forward! (Phil. 3:13-14) God is my Healer and Deliverer.

 Psalm 40:1-3 explains my story so well…

I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined unto me, and heard my cry.

He brought me up also out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay,

And set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.

He has put a new song in my mouth, even praise to our God:

Many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord.

Sandra Brode